“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
You Might Also Like
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
same bro
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.