Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me