Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Artwork by Herta Burbe

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.