Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
DOOO EEEET
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]