@TheTweetOfGod

Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.

Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.

- @TheTweetOfGod

You Might Also Like

@Xoolun

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@OfficeofSteve

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

@Shen_the_Bird

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

@Moe_Murdah

Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.

@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

@JessObsess

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

@Rollmaninoz

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens