Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

me

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.