Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.