Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
