Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
🤣🤣💀
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset