[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My dog ate my work from home.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Think I pulled my liver
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans