Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

What kind of a cult is this?

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Jurassic park gets weird

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit