Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
You Might Also Like
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.