Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!