Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

this… may be the greatest story ever told

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

Important

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.