Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: WrestleVania

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.