Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.