Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Life hack

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.