Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Meat Cute

i really liked this one

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.