Man these end times are taking forever
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.