Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty