Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.