Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.