@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

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@_tomcrowley

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

@TheHyyyype

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.

@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

@Ygrene

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@williamsonnier

Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
More.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”

@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

@adamlucidi

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.