Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”
LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”
MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”
LIZARD: “I REP TILE”
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT