What if all the cashiers are married?
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
spot the difference
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people