@travisauruss

MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”

LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”

MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”

LIZARD: “I REP TILE”

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@Darlainky

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@bingowings14

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

@hazelmotes1

Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.

@DaNaLa13

Food Network makes me feel like a perv:
Beat it
It’s not moist enough
My wrist is tired
Look how thick it’s getting
It’s all about flavor

@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

@fro_vo

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: youโ€™re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct