MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”
LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”
MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”
LIZARD: “I REP TILE”
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.
Food Network makes me feel like a perv:
It’s not moist enough
My wrist is tired
Look how thick it’s getting
It’s all about flavor
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct