Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

Realize this:

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new