Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

The devil.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so