Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

New skill unlocked

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Drilling for oil is well boring.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.