Man wait until y鈥檃ll realize that I鈥檓 the same person who posted this back in the day 馃槶
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I鈥檓 jealous of my 4yo鈥檚 coping skills.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I鈥檝e been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
馃摴 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
That 馃憡
Thoughts and Prayers aren鈥檛 working, it鈥檚 time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
when girls eat strawberries it鈥檚 like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it鈥檚 weird???? ok
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
of course i鈥檓 gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what鈥檚 the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that鈥檚 impractical, i would look like a fool
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again