Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Quadruple digit IQ

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

sensitive skin

Good morning y’all ☀️

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.