Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero