Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting corrected

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

No, he would not have.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.