Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old