Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Squirrels before girls.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

HOW DARE YOU

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”