Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
time for some seasonal decor
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else