Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’