Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

WWE is French for “yes”

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*