man: wait
time: no
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices