Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.