Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.