Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

😂🐾

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.