Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Great game to play with friends

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Huge if true.

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter