Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
🛁
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility