Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
You Might Also Like
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Cool shirt 🙂
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific