Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?