@joejwest

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

You Might Also Like

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

@MavenofHonor

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

@TheMichaelRock

My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@Darlainky

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

@DadandBuried

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

@markedly

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

@ZachWeiner

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.