@joejwest

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

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@ozzyunc

“Don’t You (Forget About Me)” is starting to sound like a threat.

@seamusmckracken

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

@rockymomax

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

@AimeeHelene1

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@KevinFrisbee

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.