My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
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Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.