facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.