@joejwest

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

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@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@WheelTod

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@fro_vo

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

@IrishVin

I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.

@MissNaughty1801

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

@Zombie_Kit

Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.