MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
2022: I can fix it
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
This kid is going places
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]