“Don’t You (Forget About Me)” is starting to sound like a threat.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.