Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Canada has crack?

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

sin harder.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.