“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial