Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Google assistant rules

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake