Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
#NeverForget
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.