Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.