Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Sing it!
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
😜
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas