@TheOnion

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

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@SnarkyMommy78

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

@notalogin

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

@cheeky__gal

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

@Midgetspar

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

@mortimermaiden

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah