Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together