Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Stop being racist to kettles.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.