Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
my sentiments exactly
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
A new level of troll.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.