Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

I’m too immature for adultery.

I’m already scared

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.