Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off