man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Check out the legs on this baby
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
