man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Kids: Stay in school.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
☺️
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”