man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.