Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
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Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself