Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
You Might Also Like
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”