Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
An odd boast
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.