Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

lmfao come on

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.