Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Breaking news:

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Weirdos gonna weird.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*