man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me in tagged photos
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way