Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
spicy snake
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life