[At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Me: MY LOOKS!?
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god
Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.
Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.
Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.