Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.