Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

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[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer


I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.


Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god


Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.


Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.


Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)


I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit


Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.


“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*


Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.