Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’m sure it’s fine.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on