Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.