Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

So glad we cleared that up

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back