Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

😂

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.