Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.