“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
😼🖥️
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Don’t tell me what to do
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m hunting wabbits…
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
