“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
