Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.