Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.